I know now what emotion triggers me to write: insecurity. Let me demonstrate.
My first day as a newlywed 19-year-old, fresh out of her parents home, and having waved my husband of two months off to his job, in a strange house, in a strange state, what did I do? Started a blog.
The day I took out my first school loan to attend school full-time all on my own, in my name, what did I do? Blog.
What did I do when Justin deployed to Afghanistan in 2008? Started a deployment blog.
What did I do when Justin deployed to Iraq in 2009, and three days later I started a new, four-year university, already facing a lot of responsibility as an editor of the school paper– a school I had only visited once, with colleagues I had never met? Blogged.
What did I do when I found out I was finally pregnant? Blogged
When Justin deployed again? Blogged.
When we discovered Jackson had only one kidney? Blogged.
When he was admitted to the hospital? MAJORLY blogged. Apparently that was the most insecure I’ve ever been.
And, now, here we are. We’ve been home, I’ve been busy, Jackson’s been amazing, Sydney is happy, and my security has come back, hence my long hiatus.
So… can anyone guess why I’m writing today?
I’m feeling insecure.
Justin received some news about his job that makes the certainty I’ve been allowed to feel, disappear, and, I had an overwhelming urge to write, to get it out, to make this feeling GO AWAY.
It may not even be a bad thing. We don’t know yet. It will mean no deployments, so that IS a good thing. But, it could also mean distance from DFW, from Texas… and we all know how I am with that. Or, well, if you don’t know, then, I’ll just say, I am a GIANT BABY about being far from my parents. And, my parents are GIANT BABIES about being far from us, and their grandkids.
But, it might not mean that at all. It could mean we stay right where we are, or closer. It could also mean we could be anywhere.
Basically, our lives are up to the Air Force gods, and that isn’t something I’ve truly experienced. We’ve always managed to keep a pretty good handle on doing whatever we can to keep our destiny in our own hands. But, this time, we can’t.
And, it’s killing me.
Four extra years of not having to worry that Justin will deploy to some terrifying place (and with the way the world is going, there’s no guessing where he could end up) is a dream come true, so even if we end up across the country, I am grateful about that for Jackson, Sydney and myself. But, Baby Rachel, Selfish Rachel, the one who really has no desire to leave the border of Texas, is completely, 100% freaking out.
Hardcore. So, hello blog.
Tales From the Plastic Crib 
One of my friend’s husband was deployed this past Sunday to the Middle East, leaving behind a wife and daughter.
My best friend from high school called Sunday night to tell me that her son who is stationed in North Carolina got word that he is being deployed but he doesn’t know when yet. He has a wife, a 4 year old daughter and a 3 month old son. His father is in the hospital here in Birmingham, AL dying of stomach cancer. Most likely his father will never come home again and that father is 57 years old. He has requested leave to see his father before he is deployed but may not get to do that.
I too, am very, very close to my parents. They are God’s gift to me and I know I am blessed to have them. They have helped me through every difficult situation in my life and there have been many of them. I am actually older than your precious mother and have experience many road blocks in my life and with every one of them, my parents have been there with me and supported and helped me in every way possible and I know I am blessed.
I have lived in was born and grew up in Birmingham, Alabama. I have lived in Boston, Massachusetts, Waterbury, Connecticut, Raleigh, North Carolina, Alpharetta, Georgia, and North Richland Hills, Texas. I am now back home living near my parents.
I have 4 children, who are all almost grown. My 2nd to the youngest has Asperger’s syndrome but never had an IEP in school because her mother was her IEP. She graduated near the top of her class from high school and is now a sophomore in college and is in Honor Society .
My youngest was born prematurely weighing 1 lb. 12 oz. and was missing her right leg below the knee. She spent 4 1/2 months in the neonatal ICU and during that time had a major emergency surgery to removed and ovarian cyst that was so large that it completely compressed her stomach and was pressing on her lungs. In her now 18 years of life, she has endured 17 surgeries. She is now a senior and will graduate high school this year. Although she is missing her right leg below the knee and wears a prosthetic leg, she is an excellent driver with that prosthetic. She is also an artist and is in AP art and has applied to go to Savannah College of Art and Design.
All of this is to say, knowing the strength and love that your mother exemplifies in her life, I see that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You are, indeed, a strong young lady and I know without a doubt that your parents will always be there for you, whether you are in Texas or somewhere else in the United States. I also know that my greatest fear was finding the best doctors and hospitals given the needs of my children. We are blessed to live in a nation with a wonderful healthcare system.
I pray God’s will be done for you and your sweet family. The great part is that you will not be single parenting and I know your mother will always be there for you regardless of where you are. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you and your sweet family.
Carol
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