I know now what emotion triggers me to write: insecurity. Let me demonstrate.
My first day as a newlywed 19-year-old, fresh out of her parents home, and having waved my husband of two months off to his job, in a strange house, in a strange state, what did I do? Started a blog.
The day I took out my first school loan to attend school full-time all on my own, in my name, what did I do? Blog.
What did I do when Justin deployed to Afghanistan in 2008? Started a deployment blog.
What did I do when Justin deployed to Iraq in 2009, and three days later I started a new, four-year university, already facing a lot of responsibility as an editor of the school paper– a school I had only visited once, with colleagues I had never met? Blogged.
What did I do when I found out I was finally pregnant? Blogged
When Justin deployed again? Blogged.
When we discovered Jackson had only one kidney? Blogged.
When he was admitted to the hospital? MAJORLY blogged. Apparently that was the most insecure I’ve ever been.
And, now, here we are. We’ve been home, I’ve been busy, Jackson’s been amazing, Sydney is happy, and my security has come back, hence my long hiatus.
So… can anyone guess why I’m writing today?
I’m feeling insecure.
Justin received some news about his job that makes the certainty I’ve been allowed to feel, disappear, and, I had an overwhelming urge to write, to get it out, to make this feeling GO AWAY.
It may not even be a bad thing. We don’t know yet. It will mean no deployments, so that IS a good thing. But, it could also mean distance from DFW, from Texas… and we all know how I am with that. Or, well, if you don’t know, then, I’ll just say, I am a GIANT BABY about being far from my parents. And, my parents are GIANT BABIES about being far from us, and their grandkids.
But, it might not mean that at all. It could mean we stay right where we are, or closer. It could also mean we could be anywhere.
Basically, our lives are up to the Air Force gods, and that isn’t something I’ve truly experienced. We’ve always managed to keep a pretty good handle on doing whatever we can to keep our destiny in our own hands. But, this time, we can’t.
And, it’s killing me.
Four extra years of not having to worry that Justin will deploy to some terrifying place (and with the way the world is going, there’s no guessing where he could end up) is a dream come true, so even if we end up across the country, I am grateful about that for Jackson, Sydney and myself. But, Baby Rachel, Selfish Rachel, the one who really has no desire to leave the border of Texas, is completely, 100% freaking out.
Hardcore. So, hello blog.